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Darrel Bristow-Bovey Discusses the Perils of Appearing on the Internet

Darryl Bristow-Bovey’s first column for Random House Struik – “The perils of appearing on the internet”:

Well, so here we are, and if you don’t mind my saying so, I’m a little nervous about it. I’ve never appeared on the internet before, you see, other than that clip a so-called friend posted on YouTube of that time in Vegas I thought I was playing strip-billiards with Prince Harry, who turned out to be a Ron Weasely impersonator and kept saying ‘Patronus expectorum’ in a suggestive tone of voice. But I’m here now, and it feels something like taking a midnight stroll through a forest dark and tangled, accompanied by padding sounds and the low hungry coughs of yellow-eyed beasts while wearing Lady Gaga’s meat-dress and smoking a cigar made of fear and biltong.

I’ve always avoided the internet with the fervour that shrewd men avoid Calcutta prisons or Port Elizabeth, and for the same reason: there are bad people there and they intend you harm, and once you’re inside you have to do terrible, degrading things just to stay alive. Plus you have to pee in a bucket.

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